Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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