Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize