everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
