I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
