I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
