I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
