now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
