Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
