In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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