My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
