Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
