My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
