We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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