My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
