I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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