I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
