life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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