My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
