so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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