sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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