The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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