in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize