Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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