I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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