I wish I could teleport
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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