I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
