She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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