PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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