you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
