you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Even my vagina gasped.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
