we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
