those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i think my cat just said my name.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
