Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
