I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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