I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
