I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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