peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
