there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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