Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize