T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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