It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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