The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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