Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Holy shit dude........stairs
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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