Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
