I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
