I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
