no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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