saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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