hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
