So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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