just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
