toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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