Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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