There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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