guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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