you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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