someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Little spoons don't ask big questions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
