I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize